Frequently Asked Questions

We're not really sure what kind of questions people would ask, but everyone else on the web has a FAQ page, so we thought we should have one.

Initially I though about answering life's big questions like... "Why are we here?", or "Is there a God?", but eventually I decided that a FAQ on cannibalous fish would serve as a much more useful reference.

Q. "Help! Why have my fish started killing everything in my tank?''

A. They are what we experts like to called 'Mental fish'. My recommendation is to pelt it with household ornaments until its limp, lifeless body floats to the to the top of the tank. NB. Check what day the bin man comes around, and kill it the day before. I learned the hard way.

Q. "Why did my platy just eat its babies?''

A. I'm not sure what a Platy is. I believe it used to play for Arsenal. If Platy is eating your babies, then suspect that he's turned into a bit of a nutter. Don't kill him though. He is a superb volleyer of the football. No, lure him into a trap using the false offer of free hair follicle transplants. After that, the authorities can deal with his crimes.

Q. "My fish just laid eggs. How do I keep the eggs or babies from being eaten?''

A. People often make the mistake of feeding their fish with other old dead fish. This just increases the cycle of cannibalism. In order to break the cycle, you need to wean them off of the 'Dead Fish Diet', and on to something a little less grotesque. Perhaps cheesecake. Once they get the taste for a bit Gateau or something, the last thing they will want to do is eat babies

Q. "Why are you answering questions about fish"

A. Don't really know. I'll have to ask the lads if they can think of something better to put here.